How to get a Healthy Relationship Mindset
What does it take to have a healthy relationship? A healthy mindset is a huge part of it.
Have you ever felt yourself steer towards unhealthy or negative thoughts when you are upset, and automatically started thinking negative thoughts? And not examining these thoughts, which may or may not be true.
Does your mind often ‘overthink’ situations, going over and over the same things, and go into some pretty ‘dark’ places? Maybe it’s time to rethink situations and view them in an alternative way.
Read on to learn about some of the worst relationship mindsets and how you can fix them!
“He or she will never change”
Often we come up with this thought when our partner does something we do not like, again and again. Maybe they decided to stay home and play video games instead of going out with you? Maybe they went out and overspent on an item that you were meant to agree on together? Maybe they put you down most of the time? Or maybe you can think of other reasons?
This mindset can be remedied by looking at the variations in that person’s behaviour. You may find that in the past they haven’t always behaved like this – they did actually enjoy going out with you when you first met, they have in the past consulted you before buying that big household item, they never used to put you down.
Resist the urge to label.
“He or she hasn’t messaged me in a week, they declined the last date or casual catch up that I suggested, their excuse didn’t seem good enough….. Did I do something WRONG? They must be cheating on me or seeing someone else, they don’t like me, I’ll NEVER find anyone”.
Sound familiar? Even if you are in a committed relationship, you may remember this kind of thinking from times when you have been dating and seeing potential partners. This kind of thinking is what psychologists call ‘catastrophizing’ or dreaming up the worst case scenario based on faulty assumptions or fears. It can be to do with us wanting to feel control, when we lack it.
When you find yourself thinking this way, take a deep breath, stop and notice your body. Do a full body scan in your mind from your feet up to the top of your head. Notice any tension or distress. E.g. stomach churning, heart palpitation, etc. Let the breath out.
Take another deep breath in through your nose, aiming it towards where you are feeling most tension/distress. Then slowly, slowly, let out the breath through your mouth, imagining that negative feeling leaving your body. Repeat three times.
Try not to judge yourself for your thoughts, but also challenge them – what evidence do you have for this thinking? Is it logical? Is it based on fact or is it a story you have made up in your head over time, that you can’t predict?
“You made a joke last week that offended me”
This is sort of like putting a constant Instagram filter of ‘negativity’ over every experience you have with your partner, zooming in on these negative experiences. In an argument you may bring up historical events that seem like you are putting your partner on trial. “Well, you didn’t talk to me at that event last week, or you forgot to book that one service or get that thing fixed last week”.
Focusing on some of the good things your partner does is very important. It allows you to take off that filter and zoom and look at them in more of a rosy and unfiltered light.
This is where gratitude and journalling can come in handy. (Hand) writing out positive things that have occurred helps you remember them, as it brings in many of your senses.
Buy yourself a notebook to write in and make a point of writing the following in it each day
Gratitude – Write down three things you are grateful for each day.
Journalling – Write down about 3 things you enjoyed about the day. What did you do, where were you and who were you with, what was it about this that you enjoyed? Maybe you read a positive quote that resonated with you, had a laugh over something.
Write about it, so you can read back on some of your favourite days and experiences and thoughts you have had about your special someone, and how they have helped you and others in your life.
If you feel that you are experiencing one, two or all of these mindsets often in your relationship, hypnotherapy can help. It can help you to pinpoint where these negative thought patterns are coming from, unlock your subconscious mind and start to change the negative mindset patterns. And once you get your subconscious mind working together with your conscious mind it will be easier and much more natural to navigate your way to healthy relationships!